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Chicken Police
from JoeCartoon
(2008/11/19 21:08)
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So it’s totally on between these two rabbits, right. Then these chickens come in and are all like, “Yo!, we got a problem here?!” And the rabbits all are like, “Naw man, we got no problem!” And the chickens are all, “You’re gonna have a problem if you don’t quit eyeballin’ me [...]
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Turkeymeister
from JoeCartoon
(2008/11/18 20:50)
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They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…but if you are going to try and flatter us, just make sure you don’t suck. Launched recently by AOL, the ultimate definition of internet suck, this butter basted P.O.S. pins the crap-o-meter even by 1999 standards. Don’t believe us? click here and see [...]
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[audio] Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest
from The Onion
(2008/11/16 0:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference
from The Onion
(2008/11/15 8:00)
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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Marketing executive Bernard Ganley first humiliated himself Monday morning when he suggested that applicator tips were a thing of the past.
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[audio] New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself
from The Onion
(2008/11/15 0:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision
from The Onion
(2008/11/14 9:00)
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WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which...
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Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends
from The Onion
(2008/11/14 8:00)
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NEW YORK—"Do you know how many guitar players tried and failed to nail the solo on the song 'Peg'? Six—That's commitment to a vision if you ask me," Fagen said.
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Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites
from The Onion
(2008/11/14 6:00)
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A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you ...
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[audio] You Now President Of Argentina
from The Onion
(2008/11/14 0:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy
from The Onion
(2008/11/13 6:30)
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A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think?
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Knicks Fans Discover Striking Palms Together Makes Uplifting And Appreciative Noise
from The Onion
(2008/11/13 6:00)
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NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' surprising 4-2 start, fans' instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as "a...
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Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early
from The Onion
(2008/11/13 6:00)
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NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling...
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Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard
from The Onion
(2008/11/13 6:00)
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ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru , comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help mentor...
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I Meant To Vote, But You Know How It Goes
from The Onion
(2008/11/12 10:45)
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Hola, amigos. How's it going with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I been trying get through a jungle of bullshit, but it...
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I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock
from The Onion
(2008/11/12 7:07)
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You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may...
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Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase
from The Onion
(2008/11/12 6:15)
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WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling...
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Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others
from The Onion
(2008/11/12 6:00)
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Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do you ...
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International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With 85 Million In Campaign Fundraising
from The Onion
(2008/11/11 20:00)
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CHICAGO—"If you are reading this," said Obama's farewell note. "Then I have already left your silly country with a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'"
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Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place
from The Onion
(2008/11/11 13:01)
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PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow...
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Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around
from The Onion
(2008/11/11 9:00)
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ANN ARBOR, MI—Digital Copy Shoppe employee Don Newson, 38, called in to work on Wednesday complaining that he was certain he had come down...
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Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School
from The Onion
(2008/11/10 9:00)
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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—"My gym teacher used to drone on about 'physical well-being—breaking a sweat, coordination—I still don't know what that means," said Kevin Higgins.
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[audio] Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars
from The Onion
(2008/11/9 0:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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After the Imperial Presidency
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 11:10)
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Ask a long-serving member of the United States Senate - like, say, Patrick Leahy of Vermont - to reflect on the Senate's role in our constitutional government, and he will almost invariably tell you a story from our nation's founding that may or may not be apocryphal. It concerns an exchange that supposedly took place between Thomas Jefferson and George Washington in 1787, the year of the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. read more
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Can Barack Obama Undo Bush's Tangled Legal Legacy?
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 11:04)
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Washington - When Barack Obama becomes president in January, he'll confront the controversial legal legacy of the Bush administration. From expansive executive privilege to hard-line tactics in the war on terrorism, Obama must decide what he'll undo and what he'll embrace. The stakes couldn't be higher. On one hand, civil libertarians and other critics of the Bush administration may feel betrayed if Obama doesn't move aggressively to reverse legal policies that they believe have violated the Constitution and international law. read more
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Most Minnesota Senate "Undervotes" Are From Obama Turf
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 10:58)
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St. Paul, Minnesota - An Associated Press analysis of votes in the tight, still-to-be decided race for a U.S. Senate seat in Minnesota shows that most ballots lacking a recorded choice in the election were cast in counties won by Democrat Barack Obama. The finding could have implications for Republican Sen. Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken, who are headed for a recount separated by the thinnest of margins - a couple of hundred votes, or about 0.01 percent. About 25,000 ballots statewide carried votes for president but not for the Senate race. read more
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Right Tears Itself Apart in Pinning Blame for McCain's Defeat
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 10:54)
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As the implosion of the defeated Republican campaign continued yesterday, the landscape of American conservatism was dotted with signs that these were very strange times indeed. Rush Limbaugh, behemoth of rightwing radio, took to the airwaves to declare war on two enemies: Barack Obama and the Republican party. read more
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Tough Times Strain Colleges Rich and Poor
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 10:52)
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Arizona State University, anticipating at least $25 million in budget cuts this fiscal year - on top of the $30 million already cut - is ending its contracts with as many as 200 adjunct instructors. Boston University, Cornell and Brown have announced selective hiring freezes. And Tufts University, which for the last two years has, proudly, been one of the few colleges in the nation that could afford to be need-blind - that is, to admit the best-qualified applicants and meet their full financial need - may not be read more
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The Road to Economic Recovery
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 9:00)
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As the Bush administration sputters to an end, the official unemployment rate rose from 6.1 to 6.5 percent in October, and the number of unemployed persons increased by 603,000 to 10.1 million - for a total of 10.1 million unemployed - a 14 year high. In the last year alone of the Bush administration, unemployment has increased by 2.8 million, and the unemployment rate has risen by 1.7 percentage points. The news is deeply disheartening. And these figures are conservative. read more
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Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
from The Onion
(2008/11/8 8:00)
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MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Ethan Davis mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth.
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Obama Shows Us Where We're Headed
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/8 7:54)
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Whether you're Democrat, Republican or Mugwump, you look at Tuesday night's remarkable election results and the nationwide reaction and can't help but wonder at how far our young country has come - and, at the same time, how long it's taken. You probably saw those photos of the big Obama rally in St. Louis, Missouri, a couple of weeks ago - 100,000 people attended. If you looked closer, in the background, you could see an old building with a copper dome turned green with age. That used to be the courthouse. Slaves were auctioned from its steps, and in 1846 - 162 years ago - Dred Scott and his wife, two slaves, went there to appeal to the court for their freedom, arguing that they had lived in states and territories in which slavery had been outlawed and so should be let go. read more
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[audio] God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation
from The Onion
(2008/11/8 6:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/7 15:17)
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Bill Ayers looks back on a surreal campaign season. Whew! What was all that mess? I'm still in a daze, sorting it all out, decompressing. Pass the Vitamin C. For the past few years, I have gone about my business, hanging out with my kids and, now, my grandchildren, taking care of our elders (they moved in as the kids moved out), going to work, teaching and writing. And every day, I participate in the never-ending effort to build a powerful and irresistible movement for peace and social justice. In years past, I would now and then - often unpredictably - appear in the newspapers or on TV, sometimes with a reference to Fugitive Days, my 2001 memoir of the exhilarating and difficult years of resistance against the American war in Vietnam. It was a time when the world was in flames, revolution was in the air, and the serial assassinations of black leaders disrupt ...
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Refugees Flee Latest Fighting in East Congo
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/7 15:14)
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Kibati, Congo - Thousands of frightened civilians fled fighting near a refugee camp in eastern Congo on Friday, as renewed clashes between rebels and government troops added urgency to a regional peace summit being held in Kenya. Carrying infants, bundles, pots and even domestic animals, refugees streamed south away from the camp at Kibati at the base of the Nyiragongo volcano in Democratic Republic of Congo's eastern North Kivu province. The sound of machine-gun, mortar and rocket-propelled grenade fire echoed from the surrounding hills as Tutsi rebels loyal to renegade General Laurent Nkunda fought government troops dug in near Kibati, 7 km (4 miles) north of the North Kivu regional capital Goma. The clash occurred as U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon met African leaders at a summit at Nairobi in Kenya on Friday to try to end the conflict in eastern Congo. read more
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Georgia Claims on Russia War Called Into Question
from Truthout - All Articles
(2008/11/7 15:09)
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Tbilisi, Georgia - Newly available accounts by independent military observers of the beginning of the war between Georgia and Russia this summer call into question the longstanding Georgian assertion that it was acting defensively against separatist and Russian aggression. Instead, the accounts suggest that Georgia's inexperienced military attacked the isolated separatist capital of Tskhinvali on Aug. 7 with indiscriminate artillery and rocket fire, exposing civilians, Russian peacekeepers and unarmed monitors to harm. read more
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Gerbil Cider Bounce
from JoeCartoon
(2008/11/7 13:47)
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Introducing Gerbil Cider Bounce - our animated definition of “lowering the bar”. See Gert Greenfield, the Gerbil and the Groundhog come together in a coarse celebration of depravity! Watch a small mammal sail through the air, twisting and turning gracefully with the allure of a young Greg Louganis! Witness a slumbering [...]
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Election Blog: Oy! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!
from The Onion
(2008/11/7 10:27)
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Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And...
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Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon
from The Onion
(2008/11/7 9:00)
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MONTVALE. NJ—In a crucial, 11th-hour decision for one of the tristate area's largest weekly bargain supplements, Pathmark circular editor in...
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Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List
from The Onion
(2008/11/7 8:00)
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WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said Wildlife Deputy Rowan Gould.
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'Jurassic Park' Author Dies
from The Onion
(2008/11/7 6:00)
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Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think?
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[audio] Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard
from The Onion
(2008/11/7 0:00)
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore
from The Onion
(2008/11/6 9:05)
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Aging is tough. The hardest part for me has been coming to grips with the fact that some of the physical abilities I took for granted when I was...
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Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?
from The Onion
(2008/11/6 9:00)
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I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be lonelier...
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Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall
from The Onion
(2008/11/6 6:00)
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A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think?
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Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President
from The Onion
(2008/11/6 6:00)
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LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to a holy shit, it's hard to believe these words are even gracing this page, but on Tuesday,...
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Perkins Management Disappointed To See Daunte Culpepper Leave So Soon
from The Onion
(2008/11/6 6:00)
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ORLANDO, FL—Day manager Gary Campbell of the Perkins restaurant on Conroy Road thanked Daunte Culpepper for his tireless effort, leadership...
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WE, THE PEOPLE; U.S.A. Dances in the Streets after Barack Obama is elected President!
from Michael Moore - Must Read
(2008/11/5 23:00)
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 WE, THE PEOPLE; U.S.A. DANCES IN THE STREETS AFTER BARACK OBAMA IS ELECTED PRESIDENT! Please be patient while page loads... Or click here for YouTube playlist. Troy, AL Conway, AR Little Rock, AR Berkeley, CA San Francisco, CA Boulder, CO Dover, DE Lewes, DE Washington, D.C. In front of the White House, D.C. Gainesville, FL Orlando, FL Atlanta, GA Terre Haute, IN Chicago, IL New Orleans, LA Boston, MA Cambridge, MA Dartmouth, MA Falmouth, MA Portland, ME Detroit, MI Ypsilanti, MI Minneapolis, MN Itta Bena, MS ...
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Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 13:30)
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WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked.
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Election Blog: The Cauldron Of History
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 13:14)
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It has been brought to my attention that another flag-bedecked, bunting-encrusted electoral pantechnicon has been brought to a roaring, shuddering...
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McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 12:25)
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PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely hammered...
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Changes Come
from Puscifer
(2008/11/5 11:55)
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Roughly 9 years ago, on a day off from endless touring, I found myself in Memphis, TN. Instead of the normal routine of bad room service, pay-per-trash, cookie cutter mall visit, dinner, and"gentlema...
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Election Blog: All The Electric Premonition That Rides The Sky Being A Drama Of Human Devising
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 11:23)
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In the morning, Electorate, he passes people trooping away from home with their newspapers, bearers of a weight that goes beyond pounds and...
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Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 10:31)
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NEW YORK—Less than 20 minutes after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, New York senator Hillary Clinton...
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Election Blog: A Message From FBI Agent Lucas Emerson
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 8:09)
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To Whom It May Concern: This political blog, normally authored by one
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Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low
from The Onion
(2008/11/5 6:00)
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In the face of a weakening economy, U.S. auto sales fell to their lowest level since 1983. What do you think?
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Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
from The Onion
(2008/11/4 23:30)
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WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected...
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I Will Never Concede Defeat ...by Cindy Sheehan
from Michael Moore - Must Read
(2008/11/4 23:00)
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 I WILL NEVER CONCEDE DEFEAT ...BY CINDY SHEEHAN "I have fought the good fight, I have run the good race, I have kept the faith." and ndash; St. Paul in 2 Timothy This past month, I kept on saying to my supporters, staff, interns, volunteers and myself, that no matter what happened on November 4th that we could hold our heads up high and be very proud of our campaign. Until yesterday, I wasn't sure that what I said would be true, but I feel an incredible sense of peace and pride in our accomplishments. There were so many victories over the last year that the American paradigm of "winner-take all" just doesn't fit. We moved into San Francisco a little over a year ago with less than nothing. We used savings and credit cards to open our office and sometimes to keep it open. We transformed a former "sex shop" to a fully functioning and vibrant campaign office. Our "natural base" never materialized, so we had to build a foundation in less than a few ...
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Michael Moore on Larry King Live Tonight
from Michael Moore - Must Read
(2008/11/4 23:00)
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 MICHAEL MOORE ON LARRY KING LIVE TONIGHT Michael Moore will be on Larry King Live tonight along with Bill Maher and Magic Johnson. Tune in to CNN at 9:00 PM ET/6:00 PM PT (replay at midnight ET/9:00 PM PT and 3:00 AM ET/midnight PT). Webmaster, MichaelMoore.com
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Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012
from The Onion
(2008/11/4 16:17)
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WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard working Joe bid...
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Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?'
from The Onion
(2008/11/4 5:25)
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WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and members of his own administration if, in light of today's election, he could stop being the...
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Election Blog: Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain
from The Onion
(2008/11/3 11:00)
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Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the...
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World Record Zombie Walk
from JoeCartoon
(2008/11/3 9:37)
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The Grand Rapids Zombie Walk was a huge success, with over 3000 flesh eating maniacs converging on the city and setting a new worlds record for such foolishness. Here’s a little video montage we put together of the highlights.
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Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
from The Onion
(2008/11/3 9:00)
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CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to eat," said Glenn Vernacini.
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Why Vermont has jurisdiction to prosecute George W. Bush ...by Charlotte Dennett
from Michael Moore - Must Read
(2008/11/2 23:00)
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Monday, November 3rd, 2008 WHY VERMONT HAS JURISDICTION TO PROSECUTE GEORGE W. BUSH ...BY CHARLOTTE DENNETT On Sept. 18, I held a press conference to announce my candidacy for attorney general of Vermont. Accompanying me was legendary prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi, author of the recent New York Times best-seller, "The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder." At that time, I announced that if elected, I would appoint Bugliosi as my special prosecutor, stating that I was certain that he would prove beyond a reasonable doubt that George Bush sent American troops to their deaths under false pretenses, making him guilty of the crime of murder. Attorney General William Sorrell has been quick to dismiss our legal arguments as mere "good political soundbites." He has claimed that I am violating my ethical obligations by "throwing issues out there" without "seeking justice." He has greatly underestimated me, and done a disservice to the millions of Americans who are disgusted by the f ...
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Vote
from Puscifer
(2008/11/2 9:36)
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vote, vote vote, vote vote, Vote, Vote, Vote, Vote, VOte VOte, VOte, VOte, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE,...
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Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner
from The Onion
(2008/11/1 8:00)
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NEW YORK—"The shocking unveiling of that blistered face is a paradigm shift on a scale never before seen in bubble-gum literature," said artist Martin Shore.
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Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision
from The Onion
(2008/10/31 10:00)
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WASHINGTON—Chief Justice Ross gave the sole dissenting opinion, saying she could not endorse a ruling that did not take into account the varying degrees of love.
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