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[video] Injured Derrick Rose Will Play Next Game Strapped To Gurney
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 13:10)
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After another bite of sour fish, Doc struggles to hold down the Jeremy Lin trade, Derrick Rose in a gurney, and the wusses on the Mariners.
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Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 13:00)
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Arena Sound Guy Given Cousin's Demo To Play During Timeouts
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Slideshow: The Week In Pictures
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 12:37)
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The Week In Pictures
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Editorial Cartoon: Royal Welcome
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 11:15)
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Royal Welcome
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Magazine: 'I Killed Myself' One Man's Lost Battle With Alcoholism
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 10:45)
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'I Killed Myself' One Man's Lost Battle With Alcoholism
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American Voices: Pennies, Nickels To Change?
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 10:15)
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Because they cost more than twice their face value between non-cost-effective raw materials and manufacturing expenses, the Obama administration asked Congress for permission to change the metal composition for the nickel and penny.
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[audio] Local Child Amuses Café Patrons?But For How Long?
from The Onion
(2012/2/20 8:22)
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Local Child Amuses Café Patrons?But For How Long?
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OFFERMAN, GA?After realizing she waved good morning to the wrong squirrel, Kiera Boyd recovered by c
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 17:30)
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OFFERMAN, GA—After realizing she waved good morning to the wrong squirrel, Kiera Boyd recovered by coughing a bit and pretending to fix her hair.
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TV Listings: Oh Fuck, What The Fuck Is That?
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 16:15)
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Animal7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CSTA woman talks about the time she saw what had to be a centipede just sitting there in her bathroom—covered in fur and the size of her fucking arm—but when she came back it was gone and that's even more terrifying.
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8-Year-Old Attempts To Break The Sour Barrier
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 15:00)
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8-Year-Old Attempts To Break The Sour Barrier
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Suspicious-Looking Duffel Bag Spotted On Magic Bench Just Glen Davis
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 13:45)
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ORLANDO—The Orlando Magic were forced to evacuate the Amway Center prior to their game against Milwaukee Friday after team officials called security to investigate a large, suspicious duffel bag that turned out to be forward Glen Davis.
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Smug New Mom Going To Start A Blog
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 12:00)
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SAN FRANCISCO—Three days after giving birth, first-time mother Courtney Baldritch has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely underdocumented experience of child-rearing.
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Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 10:45)
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Office Prick Returns From Fantasy Camp
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Suave Releases New 20-Year Leave-In Conditioner
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 9:20)
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Suave Releases New 20-Year Leave-In Conditioner
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Fan On The Street: On Lance Armstrong?s Second-Place Triathlon Finish
from The Onion
(2012/2/19 5:00)
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On Lance Armstrong?s Second-Place Triathlon Finish
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NASCAR Driver's Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son?s Car
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 17:30)
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NASCAR Driver's Parents Pay For Congratulatory Message On Side Of Son?s Car
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Corrections: Global Scheme
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 16:00)
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The latest Onion Conspiracy Index omitted a key player. We regret that this arch-puppeteer has ensnared us in its global scheme and won’t allow The Onion to correct the error.
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Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 14:00)
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Hampered Kevin Garnett To See Age Specialist
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Strongside/Weakside: Jeremy Lin
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 13:00)
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Since coming out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jeremy Lin has rejuvenated the Knicks, reignited interest in basketball, and become a bona fide phenomenon.
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Tom Brady Cruelly Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkili
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 12:00)
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BOSTON—While acknowledging Tom Brady’s decision to betroth his sister Julie to savage, lecherous Kevin Youkilis may be morally repugnant on a personal level, Boston sports analysts said Thursday the move should consolidate the superstar’...
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Truly Authentic Mexican Restaurant Shut Down Immediately
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 11:00)
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Truly Authentic Mexican Restaurant Shut Down Immediately
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U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 10:15)
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BRUSSELS—Representatives of the 192 remaining U.N. member states have expelled the U.S. delegation following the country's appearance last week in a compromising nine-minute video on the popular website YouTube.
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Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital
from The Onion
(2012/2/18 9:15)
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BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha's Methodist H...
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WAUKEGAN, IL
from The Onion
(2012/2/17 18:15)
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WAUKEGAN, IL—After nobody took them up on their day of amnesty for fines, public library officials resorted to a door-to-door raid, collecting three Curious George books, a worn copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover, and Sleepless In Seattle on VHS.
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TV Listings: Come Away With Me
from The Onion
(2012/2/17 17:15)
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Fox 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Norah Jones sips a glass of wine and watches people have sex to Norah Jones songs.
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New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 13:15)
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WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate...
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TV Listings: Bus Bowl
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 12:20)
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Fox 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST Traveling from Nebraska to Nevada, John Madden invites some lesser MVPs to come aboard his bus and toss the ball around.
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Slideshow: The Week In Pictures
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 11:45)
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The Week In Pictures
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Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 11:30)
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MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they have plenty of stripped Tour titles in the office that anybody could...
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American Voices: 'House' To End
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 10:15)
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Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last.
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Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 9:15)
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The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends.
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[audio] Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant
from The Onion
(2012/2/13 8:30)
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Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant
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TV Listings: 16 and Present
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 18:00)
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MTV 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina's perfect attendance record.
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Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 17:00)
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Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic
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WEDDINGS: Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nigh
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 16:00)
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Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder 's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.
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Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 13:30)
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Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number
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GOSHEN, IN?Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel?s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day,
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 12:00)
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GOSHEN, IN—Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel’s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, or he would have had to throw two parties.
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Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 11:15)
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Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6
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Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 10:15)
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BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as"Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as"good with kids" by parents Sunday...
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Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 10:15)
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BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as"Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as"good with kids" by parents Sunday...
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Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 9:15)
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INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to...
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Fan On The Street: On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials
from The Onion
(2012/2/12 5:00)
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On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials
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Letters To The Editor: Weird Smell
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 18:30)
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Dear The Onion,Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from?Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK
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Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 17:00)
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Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut
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Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 14:45)
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NEW YORK—Football fans"do not like the Pro Bowl" and"would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone...
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Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 13:00)
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Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security
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Dead Cat's Litter Box Kept Just The Way It Was
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 12:00)
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Dead Cat's Litter Box Kept Just The Way It Was
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New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Conseq
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 11:30)
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CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for d...
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Sportsgraphic: Championship Celebration Moments
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 10:15)
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The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:
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48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds
from The Onion
(2012/2/11 9:15)
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WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as"open-minded" and"very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive...
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American Voices: Spanking Doesn't Work
from The Onion
(2012/2/9 10:15)
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A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive.
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Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year
from The Onion
(2012/2/9 9:15)
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NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...
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[audio] Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House
from The Onion
(2012/2/9 8:30)
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Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House
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TV Listings: Cryojennifer
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 18:30)
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CW 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Tonight: The beautiful but absentminded Cryojennifer completely messes up a sales report at work, makes the mistake of questioning her sister's weight, and burns a meal she cooks for her boyfriend, realizing once again that the o...
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Letters To The Editor: Cloning Update
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 17:15)
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Dear The Onion, Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing. Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY
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EL PASO, TX?A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to w
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 16:00)
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EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking,"Cockroach’s gotta make a living."
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Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 15:00)
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BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin , more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress.
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Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 13:30)
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Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney
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[video] Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 12:00)
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Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.
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American Voices: Smoking Speeds Mental Decline
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 10:10)
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A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years.
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New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 9:05)
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WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S.
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[audio] Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment
from The Onion
(2012/2/8 8:30)
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Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment
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Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff
from The Onion
(2012/2/7 18:30)
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Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff
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WEDDINGS: With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a l
from The Onion
(2012/2/7 17:30)
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With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.
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Stockwatch: Toyota (TM)
from The Onion
(2012/2/7 16:45)
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$75.30 (+$.1.10) (+1.5%) The automaker's shares went up after it announced a deal with Costco in which the warehouse-store chain will carry 20-packs of Camrys.
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Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book
from The Onion
(2012/2/7 15:15)
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WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book.
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